On July 4th, Donald J. Trump gave a rousing speech at the foot of Mount Rushmore, where he warned about a resurgence of a “communist menace.”
After an exhaustive search, TBR could not find any evidence of a resurgence of communism in America. Our investigation did, however, find evidence of a resurgence of several other “-isms,” including racism, sexism, nationalism, and fascism.
We can therefore only assume that Trump must have been confused about what communism is and isn’t—a confusion he seems to share with his entire party.
As a public service, TBR has compiled the following list of things Trump and his fellow Republicans believe are—and are not—examples of communism:
If a woman has zero children and one or more cats, she is a communist.
Anyone who does not own a gun is a communist.
Anyone who owns a gun but is Black or trans or both is also a communist.
Working less than 80 hours a week is communism.
All vaccines are communism. If you contract rabies from a racoon bite, frothing at the mouth is just the communism leaving your body.
Censoring Nazis on social media platforms is communism.
Censoring comedians on television is NOT communism.
If an immigrant comes to the United States seeking asylum from a left-wing dictatorship, they are a communist.
If an immigrant comes to the United States seeking asylum from a right-wing dictatorship, they are a communist.
If an immigrant comes to the United States, they are a communist. Unless they are married to the president.
A fiber-rich diet is communist. You can’t spell ‘chia seed pudding’ without ‘China.’
Bodily autonomy is communism. True freedom is when the government tells women what they can and can’t do.
If a country nationalizes its oil in order to create a public wealth fund, that’s communism. A nation’s natural resources belong in the hands a few wealthy individuals.
If a country buys an AI company in order to create a public wealth fund, that’s NOT communism. A nation’s technological resources belong in the hands of the president.
When the government awards a contract to a person of color, that’s DEI and communism.
When the government awards a contract to a personal friend of the president, that’s meritocracy and NOT communism.
Government-funded healthcare for working class Americans is communism. A real American dies of diabetes at 41 like a patriot.
Government-funded healthcare for senators is NOT communism. Keeping elected leaders alive into their nineties is the lifeblood of any functioning democracy.
If a mayor uses public money to fund affordable food, housing, and childcare in his city, he is a taker and a communist.
If a man makes a trillion dollars from companies whose profits depend entirely on government contracts, tax breaks, and subsidies, he is a maker and is NOT a communist.
Wind turbines are communism. Air should belong to corporations.
Reading books is communism.
The Epstein Files are communism.
Algae is communism.
Crime is communism. Except when we commit it.
This Sunday Read was written by Carlos Greaves, who has contributed humor to The New Yorker, NPR’s Selected Shorts, and the humor site McSweeney’s.